The Porcelain Identity
by MGuidi
Summary: A young man goes on a quest to discover who he was and what he was doing. It's not meant to be written well, but to deliver a quick laugh and it will ; . I'm not being racist by the way, I'm joking. There is some major language, please read and review.
1. Chapter 1: The Doctor's Patient

A Mexican dude was walking down the street in a sombrero smoking a joint as usual when he noticed a body lay on the ground covered in blood.

"That is pretty fucked up I guess" he said to himself. He decided to loot his body, taking his wallet and keys before running away and calling the local police. Minutes later an ambulance arrived and took lifted the body away to a hospital.

The body awoke three weeks later in a daze, rubbing his head, he grumbled

"Where the hell am I?" A doctor suddenly walked inside and said  
"You're awake! It's been about three weeks now!" the doctor said happily "You've been in a coma for three weeks and we weren't sure if you were going to make it through or not so this is wonderful!" He beamed happily. "We've had a shortage in beds so we stuck you next to this guy. He might be dead, we're not sure. We're still waiting on the test results."

All of this information confused our now awakened person, who shall be named Bobo the Mystic Monkey until further named in the future.

"But wait…" said Bobo "You don't understand, I have no idea of who I am or where I'm from. It's almost as though I've lost my Identity and need to go on a quest to reclaim it…"

The doctor's smile faded "But sir, you can't leave because you're in critical condition still!" Bobo the Mystic Monkey rose, "Sir, please sit down!" The doctor rushed over to the patient and tried to put him back with the maybe dead guy but Bobo reached out with a hidden strength and threw him into a bucket of used needles that was somehow lying around near him. He left the hospital and went out into the streets.

Bobo unfortunately had no idea where to go next. He decided it would be best to aimlessly wander the streets. He walked past a group of Asian tourists who laughed at him because the doctors had drawn penises and other silly items on his face while he slept in his coma. He then walked past a group of black guys, one had a radio on his shoulder that was blasting a very loud rap song.

"Fuck the shit, fucking fuckerson fucked my fuckin' grandpa up the fuckin bum bum. Werd." Screeched the rapper in the music. He ignored it and kept walking.

_I don't like rap music… he thought. But how do I know that?_

He continued walking until he went past a cellphone store a lady came out, when her newly purchased cellphone rang. The ringtone said this:

"_I never meant to hurt you_

_I never meant to lie_

_So this is goodbye_

_This is goodbye"_

Bobo suddenly grabbed his temple as he was on the verge of remembering something. Grimacing in pain he tried to remember what it was. He received a small glimpse of something, it was him on the computer checking out something… something that was going to be released soon.. something that would make him very happy.

All of a sudden a group of men wearing bags over their heads came out and kicked him in the balls. He fell over in intense pain and someone knocked him over the head with a club. He fought to stay conscious, but fell over as he was struck in the head again.


	2. Chapter 2: Still the Doctor's Patient

The same Mexican guy walked down an alleyway, again smoking a joint. He noticed another body on the ground covered in blood. He decided to loot his body again, this time taking his pants because there was no wallet. He called the police again.

Back in the hospital Bobo awoke from his Coma. The doctor came in again, this time he wasn't so happy. AIDs will do that to a person.

"You again". He said grumpily. "What is it with you, you've been out cold for another three weeks now."

"I dunno" said Bobo in reply "I guess I'm just out of shape…"

"Well.. do you want something to eat?" the doctor asked

"No, I can't eat. I have to lose weight."

"Okay, sounds like a safe enough means to do so" said the doctor. Bobo stood up again and this time threw the doctor on top of the dead guy. "AHA!" exclaimed the doctor, "that is where you're wrong! He isn't dead, the test results came in!" But it didn't matter because Bobo had left.

Bobo decided the best way to get into shape would be to play a Nintendo Wii. To get the money to buy it as well as a new pair of pants he found a Mexican guy smoking and mugged him. He took his pants as well as a wallet full of money and a Driver's License with his picture on it. He didn't look at it unfortunately and threw it out, keeping the cash instead.

He went into his local Target and bought a game system, the line up took a while though because the employee was busy on the phone "No ma'am, I can't come to your house for 100 to play with your kids, that's just out of the question. If they like interactive things buy some fucking board games or something". He left with this system and determined an Internet Café would do nicely to start his work out.

He hooked his Wii up to the system and began playing Wii Sports. After four hours of playing he decided that you'd need to play the Wii for five fucking millenniums before losing a single pound and that all you people who think you get exercise from a Wii can FUCK.RIGHT.OFF. Note: I personally own a Wii and am a crazy Nintendo fan.

He left his Wii where it was and called Jenny Craig. After about five minutes in there he left and had replaced 60 pounds of fat with 30 pounds of muscle. The law of conservation of mass doesn't apply to him, nor to Chuck Norris.

He returned to the internet café only to see a load of retards staring at him.

"Holy ssssshshhhhhhhhhhitttssssss" said a nerd through his braces. "It's fushcking dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 from runschape!


	3. Chapter 3: Going Home

"Itsh me! SsJgOHANXXXI239ROXDBZPKMNLOVEBABY4EVA2009, don't you remembhur me?" the nerd whistled through his teesh… I mean teeth.

"I'm afraid not" replied dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999. "I am unable to remember anything that happened in the last 24 hours. Do you know where I live?"

"I do." Said a nerd. "My name is Bored Tired Tall. It is my name and also four words that describe me. I shall take you to your house if you come with me into my car that is parked outside." dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 agreed and went out with him.

After about five minutes of driving they arrived in the ghetto. Bored Tired Tall said goodbye.

"Aren't you going with me?" asked dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999.

"I can only show you the path. You must choose to walk it." BTT said lamely. dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 left.

He tried to open the door to his apartment but it was locked. He used the keys he stole from the Mexican and surprisingly it worked. He opened the door and went inside.

The house was sparsely furnished- and by that I mean it was an empty white square with a desk in the middle that had a pad of paper and a phone. A microwave was also in the corner. The phone began to ring, and dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 decided he should probably answer it.

"Hello?" he said tentatively into the phone.

"You and Cameron Diaz played Runescape together, and that is where we met…" said a voice.

"Wait, what? Wait, I need to talk to you!" he shouted back into the phone but the voice had hung up. Slamming the phone down with frustration he looked at the pad of paper that was on the desk.

"Pick up C.D." is what it said. All of a sudden, dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 had a splitting headache and had to lean on the desk for support. He was remembering something, he had a vision… what was it? It was him holding a small square.. it was a plastic toy? No, it was a case but he couldn't remember what it was… DAMN IT.

His head raced back into reality, and he felt that he wasn't alone. Reaching into his hidden jacket pocket, he pulled out a gun that he magically had all along. Whirling around, he pointed it at the man standing behind him, aiming right between the eyes.

The man was holding a box of Pizza Pops, and looked frightened at the gun being pointed at him.  
"Uhhhh, ummmm I need to use your microwave" he said quickly to dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999.

"Hmm, okay sounds fair enough." He lowered his gun and turned back to the phone.

There was another man pointing a gun at his head.

He immediately raised his hands above his head and dropped the pistol. The room was silent except for the beeping of the microwave as the bum behind him was preparing the Pizza Pops. "Who are you?" asked dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999.

"My name isn't important" said the man. "But you and Cameron Diaz played Runescape together and I know where he lives."


	4. Chapter 4: The CIA

Gordon Bombay was the head of the CIA. He enjoyed several things: Long walks on the beach, kicking ass, catching criminals and not being shot. Recently, he hadn't been having a whole lot of luck however.

He sat at his computer rubbing his temples before switching it on. He decided today would be a good time to watch some child porn. He went to /hmforum and looked at the various pictures people had posted. The thudding of his chair hitting his wall could be heard by his secretary.

"Sir?" she asked as she went into his room. He jumped almost six feet into the air, zipping his pants up.

"WHAT?" he barked.

"Err… nothing. I don't know if you heard but your computer has been beeping for five minutes, we have a hit on the case"

"Of course I knew that, now get the hell out of here!" he spat. Closing the child porn and bringing up the CIA program. "At last, I have you". He waited a few minutes so he could walk without having to bend forwards and left the office.

"Alright people" he said to the group that was assembled in the large computer room. "We've been working on this Pizza Pop case for three months now. We haven't had a single lead until now, but about 10 minutes ago someone hijacked a shipment. We've tracked them to a small home in the ghetto, so LET'S DO THIS" he shouted, his voice cracking.


	5. Chapter 5: The Chase

Back in his house, dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 listened carefully to what the man had to say to him.

"You can find him where the light meets the shadows" said the man.

"What the fuck does that mean?" he asked.

"You know what I think it means?" said the Pizza Pop guy from by the microwave.

"Can you just shut the fuck up and leave?"

dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 said to the bum. He looked downwards and ran out, crying.

"Anyway, It means that you can find him in Neverland Ranch. Obviously.." said the man with the gun on him. dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 thanked him and watched him leave. He retrieved his pistol now and went outside, when all of a sudden a black car pulled up and four men jumped out.

"HEY YOU!" shouted the last man to get out, "CIA, STOP!" dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 knew that this was no time to submit to the authorities like a good boy, and he ran over to the hose that was hooked up to the side of the house and turned it on. This activated the sprinkler in the middle of his lawn, which sprayed the CIA agents. One of them fell over, screaming "I'm MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELTINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG" and turned into a pool of goo. The others followed him, unphased.

He ran into his backyard and cleared the fence in a single bound. One of the men pursuing him, the one that yelled at him weighed about 500 pounds and jumped right into the fence, knocking himself out but sending the fence tumbling over until it was flat on the ground. One agent stopped.

"Mr. Bombay?" he yelled at the unconscious fat guy "are you okay?"

dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 continued running, as there was still one person tailing him. Across the street in open traffic he ran, dodging cars. One car pulled over and another agent got out, giving chase. This prompted dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 to run into someone elses tool shed, he came out with a pitchfork. Both CIA agents stopped, raising guns and yelled "DON'T DO IT".

With a grunt, dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 heaved the pitchfork, it missed both CIA agents and flew out onto the street. At that very moment, this little kitten with very gorgeous cute big eyes walked out onto the road. It purred loudly and looked exactly like this:

/shop/dbimages/1350-OrangeKitten30pcSmall.jpg

The pitchfork flew into the side, piercing it's flesh with a large SQUISH and the kitty fell over dead.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT THE KITTEH!!" yelled the CIA agent, crying over the dead cat. It distracted both CIA agents long enough to run around the corner. Only one more still gave chase.

When the agent rounded the corner he noticed that the man he was chasing was nowhere to be seen, but there was a very large seven year old playing pokemon on a gameboy colour.

"Aww man, I loved pokemon when I was a kid" said the agent. The little boy handed him the gameboy.

"I know a cheat to get all the pokemon, first you piss your pants, and then run across the street in open traffic. When you turn on the gameboy you'll have all 151 pokemon." He said.

The CIA agent took his advice, pissing himself and running into open traffic. He was struck by a car and killed instantly. The young boy, whom was actually dragonknightmasterninjawarriorslayervardenharrypotter555jk0999 got up and ran away, scot free.

Gordon Bombay woke up and yelled "DAMMIT! He's good.."


End file.
